Blue Sky Farm

My blogging posts and photos are part of me . I think of this as a scrapbook of my life. The names have not been changed.. they are real people who have crossed my path along my journey. Some I know intimately, my family and friends. If their names are mentioned it's a sure sign they are special to me and I love them dearly...come along see for yourself, perhaps you know some of them too..

February 16, 2009

The Swimsuit Issue

I know it is the dead of winter, but this really made me laugh, my sister in law emailed me this funny article before she departed for a "girls trip"to Bali.... She has a great figure and would never have a problem shopping for a suit. (I did find it quite humorous but sadly, I can relate to this).

Not so many years ago, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.
The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an over sized napkin in a serving ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit -- a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read: 'Material might become transparent in water.'
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too -- I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a T-shirt!


Nancy Cook said...

Very timely...I just discovered that my trusty suit has an unrepairable hole in it. I hate shopping for swimsuits...but it is a necessary evil when you love tropical islands and swimming pools.

kisses and cupcakes said...

i LOVE it - the disney hippo comment had me laughing out loud!
just found your blog - it is great!
i will be coming back for more!
enjoy your day in the country!
kisses and cupcakes,

StitchinWitch said...

Love the article! And why is it that you can find oodles of bathing suits in February but none in July when you really want one. I will be attempting to squeeze myself into my ten-year old basic Lands End suit and praying that those last fifteen pounds will fit.
Love and hugs from your ex-secret pal!
Judith aka StitchinWitch

Tina- said...

ha. too funny.
hey..hope you are having a good week.
hope you had a good Valentine's day too.

corrine said...

So funny and so true. I own 3 bathing suits, but am constantly browsing the spring displays for that ONE suit I will really fit into.

sunnyday's said...

I hate swim suit shopping, I'm sure there are more women my size and we would love a bigger, more cover suit than they sell. I took my sons to Disney typhoon Lagoon years ago and I was pleased to see women way larger than myself walking around in tight fitting suits and not careing they were just having fun with thier familys. It made it much easier for me to enjoy myself with my sons. I always said if you want to feel good do not look in a mirror or step on a scale.